Me.Myself.and.Child

What's the Big Deal About Child Support?

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 11:48:20 -0400

Even the words “child support” seem dark, almost as bad as “baby mama”. The words imply ugly court battles, and tend to lead to even darker words like “dead beat” and “gold digger”.

But if you think about it, it doesn’t have to be that way.

My cousin had a beautiful son with a woman 7 years ago. To be honest, I’m not totally sure what the relationship between my cousin and this woman was—friendly for sure, but I’m not sure what their commitment level was. Anyway, when his son was born he offered to give her $800 a month. He even gave her his car while he was serving in Iraq for a year. “She is taking care of our son everyday. I’m going to give her whatever I can afford,” he told me. I was shocked.

Why was this so shocking? Because of my own experience, and friends’ experiences, I believed child support had to be court ordered, and frankly, it was a fight between “My child needs/deserves this money in order to have a comfortable life” and “This chick is trying to rob me.”

Unfortunately, for many of us, that’s exactly what it is.

It all boils down to two things:

1) Fathers (or noncustodial mothers) need to understand the costs involved in raising a child, and respect the commitment and sacrifices mothers are making to raise their children. This understanding should lead to a looser grip on the wallet.

2) Mothers (or custodial fathers) need to stop abusing child support. Now, I don’t mean a mother should spend every penny on their child. Part of the cost of raising a child is maintaining yourself/your household (i.e. you need a printer to print your resume for a job). That being said, there are a good number of mothers who use child support for unnecessary purchases that aren’t for their kids. Those women are giving a lot of us a bad name.

While I don’t see these issues ever actually changing, I do wish people would consider the whole circumstance before making “dead beat” and “gold digger” judgements.

Photo

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 21:48:43 -0400

Barbie's Cool With Me

Thu, 05 May 2011 15:52:00 -0400

When my daughter was an infant, when she would spend most of the day sleeping in my arms or lazily sucking her fist, I thought about all the things I needed to keep away from her. Besides the obvious boys and drugs, as a self-proclaimed ‘real feminist’ I vowed to keep her away from the Disney Princesses, Hanna Montana, and of course, Barbie.

Now, my daughter is 6. She’s picky about what she wears and worries about her friends’ opinions. She watches Hanna Montana (I’m not sure what my problem was with her anyway), has a Disney Princess scooter and tea set (although I still have issues with those chicks), and she has a bunch of Barbies (I’ve since learned to love this one, oddly enough).

Basically, I realized that I can either put a lot of energy into censoring or explain things to her as they come (and they will, no matter what). She gets gifts from a ton of people, and no matter how much I ask people not to buy her something, they still do. I’ve decided not to buy certain things myself, which I believe my daughter will notice, and I’ve explained to her that the Disney Princesses are not real and their stories are almost the complete opposite of real life.

I believe that this method is working. The other day, as they were showing coverage of the Royal Wedding, my mother turned to my daughter excitedly and said,”Look! Look at the princess and the prince.” To which my daughter replied, “I don’t care. That’s not real life.”

It was this article that made me think of all this. It’s mainly about Barbies, but there’s a bigger issue here. For the record, my explanation of Barbies to my daughter is that they’re also not real, and they’re actually so unreal that they’re funny looking. Then I asked her to name one woman that actually looks like a Barbie. She was stumped. “But these ladies are still beautiful?” I asked. “Yes,” she answered. But she still enjoys playing with Barbies.

I’d like to know what people think about this, though. Is it better to censor things you think may disagree with how you are raising your child?

You might want to take a look at this (and/or forward to someone you know)

Thu, 05 May 2011 14:43:50 -0400

You might want to take a look at this (and/or forward to someone you know):

It’s not specifically for single mothers, but it’s a pretty good plan when you feel like a divorce/break up broke you. There’s some pretty good articles on there too.

For New Single Mothers...

Thu, 05 May 2011 14:35:16 -0400

For New Single Mothers...:

This article is pretty nice for new single mothers since Mother’s Day is coming up.

I don’t know what year this is from, but it’s funny...

Thu, 05 May 2011 11:48:27 -0400

I don’t know what year this is from, but it’s funny how people still have the same idea about teen moms. She did her homework in parked cars? really?

Funny how there’s no mention of the dad.

Photo

Thu, 05 May 2011 11:41:00 -0400

watching your children sleep is probably the most calming thing ever.

Mon, 02 May 2011 16:31:13 -0400

The Problem with Baby Mamas

Sun, 01 May 2011 12:08:00 -0400

The problem with baby mamas is that they accept the label, and in turn mess things up for single mothers who have respect for themselves.

I think this is one of those labels like bitch or the n-word that’s only acceptable when it’s coming from someone very close to you and only when it’s clearly being used in a joking manner. But it seems like people use this label freely as if a single mother couldn’t possibly be offended by it.

This is an ongoing discussion but I really feel like this article did a great job of summing up my feelings on the issue.

2011 Betty Draper

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 11:47:20 -0400

A rep for January Jones announced to People that she is pregnant, but will not announce who the father of the baby is. And then the mags/blogs/news sites report that a source close to January says, “She’s really looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mom.”
At first this kind of warmed my heart. Either she decided she wanted to have a child on her own or this is what she was dealt, but either way she’s embracing it. But as I read post after post I thought, who exactly is this source? If January were really embracing her single motherhood wouldn’t her rep have made that statement instead of some secret insider?
What if she’s scared and disappointed about her situation? Her rep would never disclose that. Although maybe that would be nice because I’m sure there are a million single mothers that can relate.
And then I kept thinking…. What if she isn’t going to be a single mother at all? What if people are just making stuff up because they don’t have all the facts? Maybe she feels it’s none of anyone’s business who the father is.
Either way, I hope she’s truly happy.

How NOT to Raise Spoiled Brats

Thu, 28 Apr 2011 16:58:02 -0400

How NOT to Raise Spoiled Brats:

susietron5000:

So, the question is: how can parents avoid raising spoiled brats and develop fiscally responsible children who have healthy relationships with money? At the heart of this issue is teaching children several essential values that impact their perspectives on money and provide them with real-life experiences in which they can learn to use money in a healthy way.

Why Women Rarely Leave Middle Management

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 16:11:10 -0400

Why Women Rarely Leave Middle Management:

bitsydarling:

When it comes to why women don’t make it past middle-management, all the usual suspects are here:

* glass ceiling

* lower pay

* job contentment

It is rare that these kind of stats are presented with such candor. It’s an eye-opener that we still have a lot of work to do to bring greater equality in the workplace.

Daters Beware

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 11:19:12 -0400

Daters Beware:

This isn’t just for single mothers, it’s for all women who are dating. Absolutely hilarious and terrifying.

craftherapy: New shop! http://muthacrafter.com

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 10:30:40 -0400

craftherapy:

New shop! http://muthacrafter.com

Easter Breast

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 10:27:03 -0400

Time to go shopping for a dress.

My daughter was excited and so was I. But what was supposed to be a fun girls’ day ended up in a debate on whether or not I should also buy her a bra. It’s kinda funny since she’s only 6, but also a tiny bit scary, for me at least.

MiniMe: Look at this bra.

Me: Yeah, it’s tiny.

MiniMe: Like it could fit me, right?

Me: Not really. You don’t have breasts to put in it.

MiniMe: But I will when I’m like 8, right?

Me: I don’t know. We’ll see. But, I think you probably won’t have breasts until you’re about 10 or 11.

MiniMe: Awww. Why?

Me: That’s when your body starts changing and you’ll start growing breasts.

MiniMe: (points to a Ralph Lauren ad featuring four 7-10 year old girls) Do they wear bras?

Me: Do they have breasts?

MiniMe: I don’t know. I can’t see through their clothes.

I tried not to die laughing, changed the subject, and guess what? We found her a really nice dress, that’s what.

Anyway, here are some fresh Easter outfits for girls and boys.

mammalingo: Do you see where eight hours is called “a good...

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 10:19:25 -0400

mammalingo:

Do you see where eight hours is called “a good night’s sleep” by the NY Times? I’d call eight hours of sleep a freakin’ miracle of epic proportions. A little slice of heaven served on fine china.

Solo Superwoman: Kelis

Sun, 17 Apr 2011 14:04:21 -0400

I’ve always been a fan. She’s eclectic, original (she had Rihanna’s haircut before Rihanna did), sexy, and outspoken. As most hip hop fans were, I was excited when her and Nas got married, and equally disappointed when they later divorced.

They divorced while she was pregnant and my heart really went out to her. Then, all these nasty rumors began spreading about her trying to wring Nas’ pockets dry, rumors that he confirmed when he made songs discussing their situation. I stopped listening to all the gossip news at that point.

Sidenote (but not really a sidenote): I hate when people assume that if people are going to court for child support or alimony it must mean that the woman is being a gold digger. Sure, I understand that there are cases where this assumption may be true, but why do people, who most often do not have all of the facts, assume that this is a regular occurrence? And how can people, especially other women, think that an ex has no financial responsibility to his child? Also, I hate when people make statements like, “He should give her some money, but she doesn’t need that much to take care of a kid.” Why not? Because he needs all of that money for himself? (end of rant)

Anyway, Kelis is amazing, and I just wanted to drop off this link to a great article on her.

My favorite quote of hers:

Yeah, it’s hard being a working single mother, but on the flipside, it’s awesome, too. You only have to worry about yourself. It’s only your influence and your ideas. That’s not to say there’s not room for someone else to be involved, but at the moment I’m raising Knight how I think he should be raised. He’s a great baby.

Single Mother Studies

Sat, 16 Apr 2011 16:00:05 -0400

The other day I read an article on NPR, “The Root: Studies of Single Moms Are Too One-Sided” by Nsenga K. Burton, that made me take a sigh of I’m-not-the-only-one relief.

Most of the what you see or read in the news paints single mothers as pitiful statistics. I find this increasingly irritating because one, it is just too repetitive and two, the studies almost never seem to be comprehensive.

Burton hit the nail on the head.

we are interested in hearing a study that actually asks why women are making these decisions, as opposed to reinscribing dominant ideologies on the choices that women make.

I love this! My lil MiniMe does too!

Sat, 16 Apr 2011 14:02:25 -0400

I love this! My lil MiniMe does too!

Lamonica Epps: Great Program for Single Mothers

Sat, 16 Apr 2011 13:29:51 -0400

Lamonica Epps: Great Program for Single Mothers:

lamonicaepps:

La Bella Baskets, an online gift basket company, has created a program for single mothers called the La Bella Baskets of Smiles program. The purpose of the company starting the program is to show their appreciation to single moms who have experienced hardships in life by giving them a gift…